Night of the Wimpy Dead

Great.

As if I didn't already have enough to do this weekend, now the zombies are invading.

For those of you not up on current events, today is the apocalypse. Or at least that's what it appears to be from here. As I write this my minions are engaged in fending off a zombie invasion of epic proportions. I honestly don't know what's causing this mass zombie swarm. All I know is that I didn't cause it, and that has me just a little p***ed off.

After all these years, plotting and scheming and building my army of evil minions, it seems that someone, somewhere has beaten me to the punch.

Well, we'll just see about that.

You see, the dungeon is well equipped for just such an eventuality as this. As I type, my goblins are breaking out the machetes and flamethrowers, while my larger minions man the machine gun turrets on the outer walls. Unfortunately, zombies don't appear to feel pain, so torturing them is out, but a good old fashioned bloodbath is still a go. And man, do they make festive party poppers when you stuff 'em with TNT.

You see, when it comes to the undead, your dear overlord doesn't f*** around. Plans are currently being laid to make a first wave assault against the undead menace, and as soon as the cave trolls finish work on the reinforced siding and neck-high, whirling saw-blades, I'll be taking my Deathmobile out for what promises to be a zany afternoon of flying zombie heads and other assorted carnage. Remember, kids, I'm a professional . Don't try this at home.

And as soon as I deal with the living dead I'm finding the guy responsible and showing him the true definition of pain. Much as I love mindless violence, I detest being the good guy. But now, thanks to this putz, whoever he or she is, I have to be the one to save the world, just so I can conquer it later.

I swear. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get out of the coffin in the mornings.

But at least I can take solace in the fact that whoever caused this is not very good at the whole "World Domination" thing. I mean, Zombies? Really? First of all, they're slow. Second of all, they're stupid, and thirdly, you can apparently take them down with a waffle iron if you're quick enough. Of course, now I'll have to eat pancakes for breakfast until I can afford a new one.

Amateurs.

Anyway, my best advice to you, my little pets, is to seek shelter and let your dear overlord deal with the undead. And for the love of evil, don't open the door for any deceased relatives or friends. Just because it drools on itself and mumbles unintelligibly, doesn't mean it's your grandfather. In fact, just shoot anything that comes to the door, dead or alive. It's safer that way.

Well, for you at least.

And remember, if you see me or my minions coming down the street chopping off heads left and right, you might want to get out of the way.

After all, we're not going to stop and check your pulse first.

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Oh, and for those of you who have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. Here's a link.